The last few times I’ve been out speaking I keep hearing about somebody saying we should not be saying “No” to children. Nobody has yet been able to tell me the reasons or thinking behind this. Professionally I can’t think of any good reason why we should keep from using the word “No”. Here are my thoughts:
If a child never hears the word “No “ while growing up:
they will be in for a big surprise the first time they hear it. They won’t know how to handle the fact that somebody told them “No” and there’s nothing more they can do about it.
they will have a false sense of self-esteem. Self-esteem is built as much on the happy times as it is during the times when people are saying “No”. When they’ve been told “No” in the early years, they learn quickly that mom and dad still love them, want them around, and they are still the same person they were before they heard that word.
they will grow up thinking they can do whatever they want whenever they want. That’s simply not the way of the world! There are social norms, rules, and laws that we all must follow in our society.
Children will always complain about the “No” and that’s o.k. because it is their job to challenge. As a result of those challenges, children are finding their place in this world. However, “No” sets the boundaries within which children must live and this is very comforting for a child. When they know the rules and all the expectations that go with these rules, children feel safe because THEY know what to expect and how to act.
Now, I do believe parents and professionals use the word “No” way too much! This is the reason one of a child’s first words is “No.” Instead of “No”, use the word “Stop”. “Stop” is great because it’s a word they don’t hear too often. When children hear “No” all the time they become accustomed to that word and eventually tune it out. Save the “No” for the important moments like when they’re touching something hot or getting into a dangerous situation. Now when they hear “No” they are ready to hear it because it’s the first time they heard it; not the umpteenth time. Believe it or not that makes a big difference!
“No” is o.k. when used in proper portions.
If a child never hears the word “No “ while growing up:
they will be in for a big surprise the first time they hear it. They won’t know how to handle the fact that somebody told them “No” and there’s nothing more they can do about it.
they will have a false sense of self-esteem. Self-esteem is built as much on the happy times as it is during the times when people are saying “No”. When they’ve been told “No” in the early years, they learn quickly that mom and dad still love them, want them around, and they are still the same person they were before they heard that word.
they will grow up thinking they can do whatever they want whenever they want. That’s simply not the way of the world! There are social norms, rules, and laws that we all must follow in our society.
Children will always complain about the “No” and that’s o.k. because it is their job to challenge. As a result of those challenges, children are finding their place in this world. However, “No” sets the boundaries within which children must live and this is very comforting for a child. When they know the rules and all the expectations that go with these rules, children feel safe because THEY know what to expect and how to act.
Now, I do believe parents and professionals use the word “No” way too much! This is the reason one of a child’s first words is “No.” Instead of “No”, use the word “Stop”. “Stop” is great because it’s a word they don’t hear too often. When children hear “No” all the time they become accustomed to that word and eventually tune it out. Save the “No” for the important moments like when they’re touching something hot or getting into a dangerous situation. Now when they hear “No” they are ready to hear it because it’s the first time they heard it; not the umpteenth time. Believe it or not that makes a big difference!
“No” is o.k. when used in proper portions.
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