... the single most important aspect of a child’s life and it gives them the confidence they need to be successful in every aspect of their life.
... going to keep a child from succumbing to peer pressure even when they know that their friends will “like” them better if they were to give in and do the unthinkable.
... the motivating force that keeps a child striving to do their best because they like the feeling of pride they own after accomplishing a task they never thought possible.
Building Self Esteem
Have Unconditional Positive Regard!
Children are good people--even after they make a mistake! Let your child know that you still love them even though you’re not too happy with what they did. “I love you dearly and I am really angry that you hit your brother.” They can change their behavior without changing who they are.
Words are powerful!
Children develop their self-esteem based on what others--most importantly, their parents--think or say about them. Choose your words carefully because once you say them, it’s impossible to take it back. If necessary, walk away without saying anything until your emotions are under control and you’ve had time to think about what you want to say.
Let children solve their own problems!
Self-esteem is developed over a lifetime of experiences that are both good and bad. Children, like adults, feel a sense of accomplishment when they have solved their problems successfully. If necessary, give them a couple of ideas and make sure he/she knows that these are suggestions--not demands--for solving the problem. My favorite phrase for this is “You’re welcome to solve your problem any way you want—as long as it doesn’t cause a problem for me or anybody else.” This gives children the control they need to solve their problem their way AND I get to keep control in the event their solution is causing a problem for me or anybody else.
Be a cheerleader!
This is the most powerful self esteem building statement I’ve ever learned: “I’ll bet you feel proud about that! (Wait for the child to agree with you or use their feeling word.) If you say, “Mommy/Daddy feels proud when you…” you are taking control of the proud feeling instead of letting the child own it. You did the dishes (or some other task) and I didn’t have to tell you to do them! I feel proud whenever I do something without being told to do it!” Children need to learn that it’s o.k. to feel proud when they accomplish a task and they need to know that their parents would feel the same way.
Watch your child’s body language!
When your child is feeling proud of something they have done, they will stand tall and smile from ear to ear. Likewise if they’re not feeling proud, they will hang their head low and shoulders will droop. When you see your child standing tall or drooping, make an observational statement: “I see you’re feeling proud/sad. Tell me all about it.” and then listen to what they’re saying. Be empathic: “I understand. I always feel proud/sad when……”
Ages and Stages
Infants develop their self-esteem through getting their basic needs met, the scent of mom and the beat of her heart.
Toddlers develop their sense of self with every new skill they master.
Preschoolers develop their self-esteem through a sense of trust with adults, independence, and initiative to do things on their own.
Finally, self-esteem is something a child needs to own. I like to compare self-esteem to a toy that is given to a child versus a toy the child buys with their money. When a child has to go to their piggy bank and get money for a specific toy, they will take much better care of that toy because they own it.
Self-esteem is the same! Instead of money, the child needs many varied experiences; both good and bad; to own a healthy self esteem. These experiences must include chances to solve their own problems, put on and take off their coats, experience difficult moments and more. From these moments, children will gain the confidence they need to take the next step; whatever that may be. The best part is they did this on their own!